Social Media and the idea of an Ideal Birth

Social media places an enormous amount of pressure on parents during pregnancy and it never lets up. It is relentless and pervasive and is forever telling us that we are not good enough, we do not do enough, and we will never be enough, and it is consuming us all. When I hear women say “I am so disappointed in myself for needing an epidural” or “I feel like I have failed because I needed a c-section” it absolutely breaks my heart. To look into the tear-filled eyes of a person who has been brave and vulnerable, and so very strong, and know that they feel inadequate because of this pressure, is not ok.

The perfectly curated images of birth followed by long captions of how it should feel create a very simplified and restrictive view. It minimizes both the physical and emotional work along with the resources required to achieve these experiences. It often sets parents up for failure without even realizing it.

Achieving a good birth experience should not feel like climbing Mount Everest. A perfectly honorable and respectable sport, but conquering the ideal climb has very real limitations for participation. To climb Mt. Everest requires you to be physically and mentally capable and have the ability to invest a considerable amount of time and money. Achieving the “ideal” birth experience doesn’t feel much different. It feels exclusive, unattainable and out of reach for the majority of birthing individuals.

We have to break those chains and embrace what we want and need as individuals. We must expand our view of what is good and beautiful to be more accessible and inclusive. No more gatekeeping of what a good birth is.

Here are a few things that Instagram leaves out when promoting the “ideal” birth experience.

1. Preparing for labor is a lot of work: It takes a significant amount of time, energy, and effort to prepare for birth, especially an unmedicated birth. You can not simply hire a doula, buy the lights, turn on the spa music, and expect that your birth will be a gentle quiet experience simply because you purchased the right things. It requires a lot of emotional and physical work. It usually requires an investment in reading, researching, attending childbirth classes, and learning and practicing comfort measures to help you prepare for labor. So often this part is left out of the perfectly curated posts of featured births. Time is valuable and you have to be willing and able to invest your time.

2. Birth is intense: I realize that the idea of a tidy, controlled, calm birth these images evoke is very appealing, but this image excludes what birth often looks and feels like and that disconnect can set you up for failure. Birth often feels like an internal storm of raging, swirling, emotions and sensations where you have to roar and yell and cry your baby out. To dismiss this reality limits your ability to be prepared for these feelings. You miss the opportunity to recognize your safe harbors within the storm.

3. Cost is an important factor: Even if you have the time and ability to put in the hard work to achieve this image of the “ideal” birth experience, it may still be out of reach for you. Your insurance may not cover your preferred provider, birth location, or doula support. You may not have access to a location that looks like it was plucked straight from a Pinterest board and there is the added expense of hiring a professional birth photographer (who btw is worth their weight in gold!) to document the experience. The financial aspect of this type of birth can not be left out of the conversation. It may very well be out of reach for many people considering that most American families live paycheck to paycheck.

4. Your discomfort is valid: Modern medicine has its issues regarding women’s health (don’t even get me started!), and one of the major issues is the dismissal and disbelief of women’s pain. Studies show that when men and women express the same amount of pain, women's pain is considered less intense based on gender stereotypes. As a result, women (especially women of color) are often denied adequate pain management. The term “natural birth” has come to refer to a birth free of pain management. The problem is the pressure and judgment that is attached to the idea that a lack of pain management is ideal. Pain medication, epidurals, and nitrous oxide are all just tools. Sometimes these tools are useful and sometimes they are not. But the idea that we should not need these tools not only invalidates our feelings of discomfort it implies shame if we do, and this is a toxic belief that I see too often in the birth world. Pain IS a normal part of labor, but suffering does not have to be. Let’s be clear, choice is a privilege and the removal of choice is the removal of power.

5. Trauma can happen anywhere: One of the most harmful aspects of having an “ideal” image is the flip side of the coin. What happens when you check every box of your perfect birth plan but still walk away from your birth feeling like it was a traumatic experience? Trauma happens anywhere you do not have a voice, a choice, and support. Unfortunately, when trauma occurs in a birth that looks like the images praised in mom blogs, there is often a strong reaction from people who believe these births are ideal, and that can often be retraumatizing. I have seen individuals silenced, gaslit, and victim-blamed when they share their stories. Because their births look beautiful from the outside their uncomfortable feelings about their experience are often invalidated.

6. Interventions in birth are just tools and are morally neutral: Many people want and/or need to incorporate some, if not all, of the tools that modern medicine offers into their pregnancy and birth journey. The idea of an “ideal” birth experience can make individuals who have a different type of birth feel like they are excluded from having an amazing experience. People often believe that delivering in a hospital also excludes them from support options. The truth is, you are worthy of being cared for however you want/need to welcome your baby. Many professionals including doulas like myself specialize in hospital births and support a wide range of low to high-risk pregnancies where medical interventions are quite common. Medically complicated births are beautiful births too and they deserve to be supported and celebrated!

An ideal birth experience should be accessible to everyone. The magic is in the choice! We all have the right to choose what defines the ideal birth experience for ourselves, even if that choice is very different from what another person would choose. There is no right way to give birth. Birth will never be a one-size-fits-all experienced to be capitalized on. The value of birth is not defined by the external visuals it creates, but rather by the emotional journey within.