The Role of Grief in Birth

From afar, birth is joyous, miraculous, and full of hope. It is the renewal of life- the start of an entirely new person who will have unique experiences. It can feel that way for those experiencing it too, but it is more. Birth taps into a deep well of emotions not typically accessible in the day-to-day. The vulnerability needed to trust a team of professionals to help you at a cornerstone moment in your life leaves a family feeling raw and exposed. It does not mend quickly. The tenderness is a gift of sorts. This a reminder to go slow. An awareness of a new kind of healing.

It isn't a part of birth that gets talked about often, but for those who have traveled through a pregnancy of any kind, there is no denying grief plays a significant role in birth.

It seems natural to connect the dots with grief when there has been a loss of life. When there was a heartbeat, and then suddenly, there wasn't. But grief is not picky. It does not have narrow requirements for when or who it affects.

Grief can be present for the family who was planning to have an unmedicated birth, and then learn their baby is laying in a breech presentation and must be born by cesarean.

Grief can be present when an unmedicated birth goes incredibly fast, and the plan for pain relief is not an option.

Grief can be present when interventions are needed.

Grief can be present when rude personnel overshadows your choices.

Grief can come when birth happens, and a baby needed more time inside the womb to be safe, and instead spends weeks or months in a NICU.

Grief can creep into any situation where an expectation is unmet.

And with birth and parenthood, the very nature of delivery ending a pregnancy is the end of a connection that, for many, is incredibly soothing and meaningful. The end of pregnancy means instead of being your baby's whole world, the world now leaves its harsh impressions on your baby.

Even for those families who have the exact experience they hope to have and have all their choices respected, and in all the ways have a good birth, there is still grief. For the person carrying a baby, birth is the moment that marks the before, and now there is an after.

The old you is gone.

Forever.

And the new you is just learning what this all means.

For all of these reasons and a million more, there is grief at birth.

It's complicated. It is harsh to admit. It is also true if we shine a light on it or not.

This is a simple recognition that you can be sad even at one of the happiest moments of your life. You can miss your baby being inside your body. You can miss your pregnant body. You can hate the way your birth happened. And you can hate that choices may have been taken away from you.

You can feel how you need to because it was your experience to have.

Many people try to eradicate grief from situations because they view it as a sign that something needs to be fixed. Or some wrong needs to be righted.

What if instead of trying to keep grief at bay, we welcomed it, and honored the process of validating the feelings that are swirled together, making it so complicated?

What if we took a moment to understand that grief is not a harbinger of doom, but a way to express intense emotion, acknowledge the losses of birth, and nurture the hurt parts of a new family along with the joyous celebration?

When we have a loss, grief is the manifestation of the profound importance and love we placed on that part, that person, or that choice. If we ignore grief, we dishonor the value of those feelings, people, and things. If we ignore grief, we have no way to heal fully. The losses that are a part of birth aren't things to get over but to go through.